Ode to Mother's Day

As a mother, daughter, part-time impromptu party planner I understand it is difficult to meet the expectations set forth by any manufactured holiday. That is why I have put together this entry for Mother's Day.

Nothing opens the gates of hell quicker than the old-fashioned combination of bell, book, candle. For Mother's Day the surefire way to melt your mother's heart is just as simple. Just follow the lead of card, flowers, brunch and watch your mother's tears flow... and it doesn't have to cost you a fortune.

Mom's are simple people. All they really want is to be recognized. Once you actually put forth the effort to remember Mother's Day the rest is just more icing on an already tasty cake.

Take the card. A greeting card is nothing more than a picture and a cheesy sentiment. Professional card companies don't have a secret formula, just a glossy sheen.

Go outside and take a picture of something your mom likes - a breed of dog, a flower garden, a pitcher of margarita - then run home to your computer, plug in the picture and print it out. With any luck there will be room to write a message.

As far as messages go here are a few ideas: "Thinking of you on Mother's Day," or "Mom, I know I haven't always been sober, but I am now and I really want to say - Holy Sh!$, is that a pink elephant? What the frig?! Well anyway, Happy Mother's Day!" Of course there are a number of options for the message, but the most important thing is to make sure it reads happy Mother's Day, but after that think about your mom and what she would like to hear.

Pretty cheap so far; on to the flowers. What are flowers really but a bunch of weeds with a better marketing team. And guess what - weeds are everywhere. Another option is to go ahead and pick something overgrown in your yard and singe the top a bit. More on that later so look for it.

On to brunch. It's common knowledge that mother's like to eat but are sick and tired of cooking. Good news! Your mom probably already has all the stuff needed to make her brunch. Bad news! You're going to have to get over yourself and cook. Good news! If you do it right your mom will love you AND never let you cook for her again.

The keyword is burn. Everything. Leave nothing unsinged. A small towel catching fire may be in order.

Here's the plan: Inform your mom you want to cook her brunch in bed. Inform her under no circumstances should she get out of bed - you've got this under control.

Now pick a menu - anything. It doesn't matter; she won't eat it.

Heat up a pan and get to burning. Blackened bacon, eggs, toast, avocadoes, cat food... Make sure there are some audible screams of panic. If you hear dear ol' mom ask if you need help, in a panic say you're fine and she never trusts you or something.

When all is said and done bring your offering to mom with the burnt flower stems ( I said I'd get back to those) and your sweet card. Bring up a swell of your best "I really tried mom" tears and go with it.

If your mom is human (and if she's not that's another story) she will forgive the debacle, but firmly insist you never cook for her again, and appreciate the effort if not the result - and of course the most important thing is you remembered Mother's Day.