All I Really Want is Squirrels

I love squirrels. First they fall into the category of jelly-bean shaped animals which I am so fond of. Second, that fluffy tail, yeah the one that separates them from rats... it really does make a difference.

I was talking to my mom the other day about how I wanted to be a squirrel. I made sure to clarify that it had to be on the best day ever for a squirrel. I wanted to be one on the day she gets a promotion at work and finds all the nuts she had stored and wins the lottery - the day that all the good things that could happen to a squirrel happened.

Seriously, it would suck to get to be a squirrel and become just another statistic of "This just in: Squirrel maimed in hit-and-run accident. Squirrel authorities have no leads but said the vehicle must have been large because there is almost nothing left of Ed."

This leads me to the, "If there were one thing I would change about them it would be..." part of this entry. If there would be one thing I would change about them it would be their indecisiveness.

Squirrels are notoriously squirrely especially when it comes to crossing the roads. They need to be trained to stay the course and keep charging ahead. I really think if they didn't practice so much of the whole "I'm crossing the street now... Oh did I shut the garage door?... Yes, I see it now... Damn, I forgot my... No, I have it here... What is that noise... It's getting louder... Best stay put... AARRRggh..." mentality they would have a much higher survival rate when it came to crossing the road.

Unfortunately, I have been on the driving side of the hit and (attempted) run. This is my story:

One day as I was driving to work, my car was attacked by a squirrel. I realize that being broad-sided by a squirrel doesn't compare with a deer, but the event was traumatic nonetheless.

I was listening to the radio when from the corner of my eye I noticed a small gray squirrel with a bright, bushy tail and small shifty eyes. I looked deep into the squirrel's beady eyes and noticed a look that could only be described as crazed. It was then that I knew there was going to be trouble.

I tried to go into stealth mode, but I drive a Ford, not a Stealth Bomber, so this attempt was thwarted. I then decided to drive as quietly as possible in hopes that the squirrel would not notice me. Since I haven't mastered the art of driving quietly this was also unsuccessful.

I decided to take my chances and drove past the squirrel while avoiding eye contact, under the pretense that if I can't see you, you can't see me, of course.

Next thing I knew, an irate squirrel was charging my car. I tried to stop. I tried to swerve, but all attempts were futile. What lasted a minute will weigh on my conscience for a lifetime.

That squirrel was dead set on hitting my car though. Even though I had never met that squirrel before, he had a score to settle. Hurling itself at full force towards my car the kamikaze squirrel ran into my tire.

As I continued driving with the hope that what had happened hadn't happened I looked into my rear view mirror. All I saw was the squirrel lying on his side with his tail straight up in the air; the white side facing me as if to say, "I surrender; you win." Then, slowly, its tail fell to the ground.

I turned around and drove back by the little guy, maybe I was hoping he had trotted off back to his family or maybe I thought I was going to give him CPR. I can't be sure; I was too shaken.

To help myself sleep at night I have convinced myself I didn't kill that squirrel. Sure it was fool-hardy for the squirrel to take on my car, but it is my belief that is what he did. He was defending the millions of squirrels taken out by cars each year by taking a stand against my car. So I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't me. The squirrel clearly had a heart attack upon running up to my car to attack. His poor little jelly bean shaped rodent heart couldn't handle what his brain was making him do.

I mean he must have been really worked up.

The point is I don't want to be a squirrel on a day like that.