Resolute

This was supposed to be the mandatory post about New Year's resolutions, but the truth is I don't really do them. I tried once and ended up with a husband. After that I pretty much decided to leave well enough alone.

The trouble is without resolutions I don't have much to talk about, you know, since that was the initial goal of this entry.

Because I am an innovative and lazy sort I decided to dig deep in to the dark catacombs of my brain and pull out this tasty morsel. In one of my earlier posts I promised to talk about things I hate, and today I would like to entertain with a condensed version of something I wrote a long time ago. It has been recycled for so many classes I've lost count. So, one more time with feeling, I bring you: Oh! How I Hate the Blueberry.

My mother has fed me the heart of a pig and the brain of some other animal. I ate both without question. I have willingly eaten a snail and the tentacles of a squid. Even though I have done all of this there is one food I have not eaten: The blueberry.

The reason for not eating them goes much deeper than not liking the taste because I have no idea what they taste like. I believe blueberries are evil.

My family is very passionate about food - to the extent that we have been known to base relationships on the types of foods others eat and despise others for what they do or don't eat.

I was always told to try a food before I decided I didn't like it. This makes it more confounding to know that I don't like blueberries without tasting one. I think it began with one childhood story and grew from there.

When I was younger my mom told me that her mom wouldn't eat blueberries in baked goods because she felt they were looking at her. This actually makes sense. Many people won't eat anything with it's head still attached for the same reason.

But blueberry muffins looking at you is only the beginning. I know those little buggers are evil, and I have proof. Or at least a very reasonable facsimile.

I have developed a theory that blueberries are the minions of Satan and are waiting to possess your soul. Sounds silly, but I have evidence to support my claim.

First, if you take the letters used to spell blueberries, scramble them up, take some out, add some in and throw in some blood of a virgin, it most definitely would spell Beelzebub. Coincidence? No.

Second, through years of scientific research I have discovered a few symptoms associated with demonic possession including bloating and abrupt changes in eye color. Armed with this information I racked my brain for something that exhibited these traits and the consumption of blueberries. And, poof, I had it.

In the Roald Dahl book, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," there is the most outstanding example of blueberry possession documented. Violet eats the forbidden chewing gum and passes through each course unscathed until she comes to the blueberry pie. And oh my what happens to her? She bloats up and her eyes turn blue - like a blueberry. Possession!

So there you have it - a classic example of blueberry possession. I have never eaten one and never will. Violet did and was possessed. Had it not been a children's book I am sure Dahl would have gone into more detail and revealed Violet had shown some of the more evil signs of possession as well. If what happened to Violet is any indication of the evil that blueberries can cause then I hope you think twice before you decide to eat another one.